Well, my history with the opposite sex has been one which is confusing, fascinating, and probably good reading for the desperate or interested.  The first girl I was ever interested in was named Carla.  Looking back on it now it’s not surprising, although a little naïve on my part to think anything was blooming or that love could take off from such as were our beginnings.  We went to youth group together.  She was good looking and outgoing.  I was outgoing and would listen.  This is what she wanted, someone would listen to her for hours and sympathize and not be too critical.  My love-goggles prevented me from being critical and I enjoyed listening, so I suppose I was the perfect match.

Interestingly for the observer, and unfortunate for myself, I was deep on the emotional level.  I wanted emotional connection, which I thought I found in the conversations.  Really, it was just her need for attention which I mistook for connection.  I became deeply, stupidly, emotionally involved.   I don’t blame her or anyone else for this.  Two kids crossing signals, not the first or last time anyone will do it, but it did shape me and so, unintentionally, I stumbled into a bit of a personality I never would have guessed.

What happened was I developed a bit of an emotional wall thereafter (she dated my best friend instead of me by the way) when it came to relationships.  I made the mistake of separating the physical from the emotional.  I wasn’t prepared to enter into the physical, but I had that urge and I wanted the emotional, but I didn’t want to enter into that again.  And so I had a series of relationships which pointed me back towards where I wanted to be.  I don’t regret them.  I might have handled a few things differently, but who wouldn’t?  It takes a real man though to direct a relationship, to be willing to put his mind in front of his gentiles and to do the right thing.

Women, I think, sometimes forget they too are players in the game of the physical.  They assume men are just always on and leading that way.  But, in my experience, it’s not always true.  And, likewise, men must be willing to put aside that and concentrate on both the physical AND the emotional.  One must come with the other.  The most important thing I learned is that nothing ever goes back into the bottle.  Once you open the wine bottle in your relationship (be it from a kiss to further) it doesn’t ever really go back.  So pick your opening dates carefully.

The women I am currently seeing is Jenny.  Don’t think my lack of words about her means a lack of love or a lack of interest.  She is a much more private person and while I will put down those points which effect me (remember, this is all about me) it will never become a dissertation on her, because she must write her own story.  She came into my life the second year of college.  She and her mom came here to our house to learn about our campus ministry CSF.  I scared her with my blunt and over the top personality.  But she had a class right across from mine so every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I saw her for ten minutes.

You might think this seems odd, but my whole day started to revolved around those ten minutes.  Until one day she wasn’t there, she was late or something, and that whole day was ruining, I was just unhappy all day.  It was then I realized that I had deep feelings for her.  She came to the office of Student Government where I worked, but she couldn’t come during my office hours.  For some odd reason, I changed my office hours.  It would be a year later that we would begin dating, and in February, it will be our first full year dating.  She has had a profound effect on my life.  She was like one who pulled me back a little from my wandering.

I had developed a few rough edges from all those choices, and while I was still a Christian and devout, I was not what you would call a very straight person either.  I am still not, exactly, but I am not the corner piece to the world’s eye I used to be.  I have directed my energies into more, productive, sources.  Indeed, I might be a very different person using a very different vocabulary today if it were not for her.  But, I neither have become what one would call the bastion of conservative social behavior, much to her secrete pleasure.  (don’t tell her I said that).

So what has love been in my life?  It has been a directing force in many ways which has kept my choices within an interesting current.  There are those I have wronged and those who have wronged me.  But, as such things go, I think my knowledge gained at the end was greater than most of my mistakes.  There is only one girl I wish I could go back to and change an outcome with.  We would not have lasted, but I think we should have tried for all that.  She is different now; she has also slowly changed one choice at a time.  I wish her well as she embarks on life.  I hope she is as happy I as I am.

To those who are worried about love.  Don’t be.  Love takes much work and only comes when you’re ready to deal with such work.  Anything else is just an affair.  Keep your paints on and you will never have too deep of regrets.  Of course, who will listen to me?  Maybe I will listen to myself for an ego boost.

The last of my choices explored was my Student Government Experience.  Another one of those slightly shifting choices in life was to work as an intern for the Campbell County Prosecutor’s Office.  Here I saw the day in and day out life of District Court and the Mediation office that goes along with it.  This really shaped my views about human nature.  Think people could live in Eden and get along?  Think people are basically good?  Go to district court for a few months.  For some reason, as hard and taxing as it was on me both emotionally and physically, I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed it because it reminded me of something I think many professors forget as they teach in the secluded world of ideas: basic human nature isn’t great.  There are people who will not reform.  They come in and out of court, they have no money because they spent it all on bear, they don’t really want jobs, they have three wives, etc, etc.  They won’t change and you can’t change them.

Its hard to accept really for most people, especially in our bleeding heart world.  We think that bums, vagrants, petty thieves, drunks, and so on could get better – if only blank.  But the truth, that most people don’t realize is, there are some people who will never get better, all you can do is buffer them from the rest of society.  That’s why we have jails and courts.  Women who will be in screaming matches with loser husbands who drink ever pinny they have, who are abused, yet a month later when their kid is in for arraignment (first part of the court process) there they are all lovey dovey trying to support there kid but getting him off the hook to grow up just like dear old dad.

Its not a nice picture, neither was mediation.  Although, I am not allowed to go into specifics because such proceedings are closed.  But, in general, if you think Jerry Springer is a mess, try mediation.  Its Jerry Springer on steroids and these people just keep coming back over and over again.  You start to lose your ability to feel compassion always.  You realize that compassion is not a panacea.  At some point, there must be consequences to peoples actions.  You can’t let people off the hook for drunk driving over and over again.  I know it sounds horrible to say, take the car away the first time, jail for life the second, but this is what has to happen otherwise we will slip towards the direction of chaos.

I really think every citizen should spend a few months attending a court, a district court.  It would make him a better citizen and a better voter and a better human being.  But, alas, district court isn’t on TV, and they don’t serve bear, so I won’t hold my breath for any big crowds yet.